Only God Knows

There's been several things happening this week, they have somehow all made me come to the same conclusion even though some of them have almost 0 relation to the conclusion.

1- My parents (and bosses) have gone away for a week to Barbados leaving me at home with D and L. I sturggle to get on with both of them at the best of times to be honest and so 1 day in I already miss Mum and Dad, especially Mum who really is my best friend.

2- I realised exactly how much I hate my job when I got an email from a client detailing exactly everything I'd done wrong on a particular task (tiny one at that) and telling me that I needed to correct it and he would be calling me to discuss.

3- I've been listening to alot of country music at the moment and have a couple of new fave songs: Already Gone by sugarland, Home is where the heart is by Lady Antebellum, I Run To You by Lady Antebellum and Swan Dive by Sister Hazel.

4- I got an email yesterday from my best friend, telling me several things about his plans to buy a car and the situation where he works, but also in less than one sentance making me miss him more than I have since, well, ever.

5- Things aren't good in the Orphanage in Burundi. One of the kids is in hospital in Bujumbura, the director of the orphanage is in hospital in Gitega, 2 more kids are sick at home and the generator is broken.

It just all came together to make me miss being in Burundi so much. I know that if I was there I could help out in the orphanage so much more. Keeping the kids occupied while their mothers prepare dinner in the dark. Helping cook during the day so the mothers could take it in turns to bring food to the hospital, taking care of sick children. Helping my friend with his work, as he is drafted in to do the driving in place of the director.

I have to remember that I am here in the UK for a reason, and try desperately to figure out the big purpose of me being here. I know I have plans for the time I am here, but I can't help but feel there is something more for me in the next few years.
Fundraising?
Networking?
Spiritual Training?
Only God knows at the moment, but I wish he would tell me!

What a day?

There's an advert on E4 at the moment, for a new series of some american comedy or other, but it asks the question 'If you could go back to any day, which one would you chose?'

Well, which one would you chose?

For me I'll be honest I'm not sure. There are a couple I would consider.

• the first is purely self gratifying - it was this year, the day after a good friend's birthday and we were travelling from Bujumbura to the orphanage together after an enjoyable weekend off (in seperate places). We were on the slowest bus I've ever been on and to top things off it broke down en route. So we were on a journey that should take about 2 hours and ours took almost 5 hours. I was late for teaching in the afternoon and managed to eat a couple of pieces of sweet potato before running down the hill to make up a class as I went along (thank God for action songs!). In the evening I hung out again with the same friend who I travelled with during the day, I gave him the presents I'd made as birthday gifts. We had some amazing conversations that day, some life changing moments, and some I relive all over again almost every day. I miss that guy, more than anyone I met out there I miss him and I would do almost anything to see and talk to him again. To have a day like that again.

• the others are various different days that I wish had turned out differently. I would like to go back and relive them to see if I could make them turn out differently.
  

Which one is better? reliving the disastous, but still practically perfect day, or reliving a day that turned out badly to try and improve the things I regret.

I'm still in two minds, but what about you?

Scary

I bought a new computer today and with that comes the need to also buy MS Office 2007. I'm possibly going shopping tomorrow also because I 'need' some new shoes for work. The problem is that I have identified these 'needs' and I know I won't just buy those things, but other pretty things that catch my eye or I'll invent an excuse to convince myself that I absolutely have to buy them.

I wish that I really had changed a lot while I was away. You see these people who can't even afford to send their kids to school for $6 a month and they're sitting by the side of the road selling beans while their infant children are fetching water from the water spring down the hill and gathering edible leaves for dinner. And yet, I come home and less than 3 months later I'm buying £450 laptops and clothes I don't really need. If the roles were reversed, would they do the same? Or even scarier, would I even be able to survive?

Friends and more

I have a friend who is going off to do a Photography and missions course soon. I'm so happy that she gets to start living her dreams. She really deserves to do well in that field, she's a great photographer and really cares about the issues she's dealing with. I met her in Burundi while she was on the outreach part of her DTS with YWAM and one of the first things that struck me was how genuine and caring she is.

I have another friend who has left the UK this week to go to work on OM Logos Hope for two years. She's always been interested in missions work and is a qualified primary school teacher. She will be flying to Trinidad and Tobago soon to join the ship, complete her training and then start working with the primary school on board.

I have three friends who have recently finished their placement year for university and will be doing their final year of studying this year and will graduate next summer.

My brother's school year got their A Level results yesterday, most of his friends will be going to university and starting to study what will eventually dictate the paths their lives will take.

Am I happy for all of them? Of course I am, but I'm also a bit jealous.

I know that if I had done well in my A levels I wouldn't have gone to Brunel University.

I know that if I hadn't gone to Brunel I wouldn't have decided that Mathematics wasn't the right thing for my life.

I know that if I hadn't made that decision I would never have gone to Burundi.

I know that if I hand't gone to Burundi I wouldn't have had the experiences I did and met the people who changed my way of thinking (hopefully forever).

I know that my life experiences have helped me become who I am today and what happened today will help me become who I will be tomorrow.

I know who I am and who I'm supposed to be, where I am and where I'm going, and most of all I know who I'm doing it for.

I'm doing it firstly for God, for the glory of His name, for the things he's done for me because there's no way I can do the same for Him but I can always work my hardest to say thank you.

Secondly I'm doing it for myself, to prove to myself that I am worth it, that I can do it and that whatever people have said against me in the past (and will continue to say in the future) it's not true, I am a daughter of the King, fearfully and wonderfully made, beloved and holy.

Thirdly I'm doing it to help the people I meet, whether they're Burundian, English, American, Chinese whatever, I want to make the world a better place one smile at a time.

Fourthly I'm doing it for my family - my biological family and my new family. To make them proud (however that comes across, it's a great feeling to be told that someone is proud of you).

That's enough for tonight.

God Bless x

The past is gone, cast it off.

I was in church this morning and my pastor was talking about Jacob. He spoke mainly about the part in Genesis 32 when Jacob was wrestling with the angel of the Lord. I found it very innteresting that this was the first time in his life that Jacob had seen something through to the end without lying, cheating or running away and at this point he already had wives, concubines and children!
I'm 21 years old and apart from one thing I have never seen something through to the end. I left university with no qualifications after my second year, I've lied and stolen, especially to my parents. I gave up on my A-levels before I even started, I did them, but I didn't go to lessons because I couldn't be bothered to be honest. I have a friend who has heard my latest plans a million times and always knows just what to say, he always tells me that it's a cool idea but knows that it will never happen.

This is not happening any more, my name is not lier, cheater, stealer, failure, quitter. I don't know what my name will be when I get my white stone, but I know what my name is now. I know that my name means 'Holy One' and I know that I am set apart for something. I have been convicted to live my life for Him and only for Him. He has blessed me abundantly and I have taken it for granted, He's given me friends, a family, a job, passions (children, youth, Burundi and music), an incredible man who has some of the same visions as me. I will be more thankful for what I have been given, what I continue to be given, what I will be given in the future and I will not stop until I am called home. I won't stop asking for blessings, I won't stop asking Him to bless others and I will never stop loving him.

A lot of things changed for me in Burundi and the main one of those was my relationship with my Lord and Father. I also learned that He can still use people no matter what their past is, we are set free by the blood of Christ Jesus, our redeemer and we should be rejoicing in that, not getting caught up in the trials, tribulations and trivialities of the world.

Remember 'Be in the world, not of the world.'

throw off your old nature and your former way of life, which is corrupted by lust and deception. Instead, let the spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God - trule righteous and holy.
Ephesians 4: 22-23

Thoughts for the Day

This is really just a list of random thoughts.

1. Quentin Tarantino is a complete psycho - is that why his filmes are supposed to be Genius?
2. My Dad could fall asleep in an air raid if he was tired enough - and possibly make more noise than the bombs!
3. I feel like I should learn the correct spelling of 'Numpty', I'm never quite sure if I have it right.
4. I wish I could find an affordable resource to learn Kirundi. Funnily I found a free one for Kinyarwanda - Rwanda gets far too much recognition considering Burundi is not only bigger, but had much longer conflicts.
5. I've spent 6 months in the sun and heat and I come home to rainy England and NOW I have hayfever.
6. I would love to have a really cool uncle - someone like Dara O'Briain, Ed Byrne or Stephen Fry would be nice. I really worry that some of my actual relatives might show me up when I get married.
7. I'm trying to decide what my favourite flower is. It's very difficult, I've only been given red roses before and I think they're overrated.
8. I've recently become a big fan of twitter. Yes, it's true I love to tweet.
9. Why is there so much sand in the desert? (Ok not my thought - Alan Davies on Qi, but it is a good question.)

Oh great here comes the snoring again!

Night All!

Rainy Day

I've been back home from Burundi for the last three weeks now. I say home, but I've only actually been at home for one week and then we went away on a family holiday to Portugal. So this is actually my first experience of cold and rainy weather since the height of the rainy season (march/april).
This is the type of situation when I would normally curl up on the sofa with my favourite hoodie and big fluffy socks. My problem therefore lies in the fact I gave my favourite hoodie to a freezing child on the top of Mount Songa (tallest mountain in the Gitega province) and that my bedroom is still a total mess because my parents refurbished lots of the house while I was away and my things are still in crates and boxes strewn throughout the house.

I do honestly feel bad moaning about all these things when I know that there are people with far more to moan about, and yet some of the happiest people I've ever met have none of the "essential items" that we have in every home these days. I'm talking really basic things - not TVs and Laptop computers, but electircity and running water. Basic human rights yes? And yet these people devote their lives to helping others.
I really miss the simplicity of life in Burundi, I know I'll be back there as soon as I can, but I'm still stuck here in England until then.