The Longing

A hole in my heart

A space for another

Don’t know where to start

The search for a lover.

A new place to explore

With new friends to meet

I would like something more

Than just to casually greet.

Are you friend, are you not?

Do I misunderstand

Is there more to what we’ve got

Than what I’d first planned?

A misconstrued look

And avoiding your gaze

My head in this book

To hide the truth on my face.

I know it’s important

To focus on Him

But in this assortment

It all turns into din.

How do I get back

To a right heart within

Without going off track

Or where I’ve already been.

So I’ll just fix my eyes up

To the cross of our king

And try to be wiser

When it comes to flirting.

Thank You

Just got home from a lovely evening hanging out with friends, I really enjoyed myself and I absolutely love seeing my friends.

Thank you friends for enriching my life.
(I know it sounds very cheesy, but I really mean it. You're all amazing)

A year ago

A year ago I was off to start my adventure, I was scared and nervous and excited about what would happen when I was in the big scary continent of Africa. Up to that point the most exotic place I'd ever been was Orlando, Florida.
My adventure hasn't finished yet though, I'm almost in a similar position now actually. I'm scared, nervous and excited to see what the future holds. I submitted my application to university last week, I'm in the process of applying for student finance (and worrying about money), trying to plan a trip back to burundi this summer to visit friends (and worrying about money), praying that God will help me sort it out and give me clarity when it comes to choosing where I will study.
I really hope that He leads me to the right place and I will not just go to the one with the cheap accomodation because it's cheap or the one my mum wants because she wants it.

So now, a year after I arrived in Burundi, I am emotionally back in the same place, but then with every journey, every adventure there is this feeling. The trepidation, the excitement, but also the lulls when the terrain is mind numbingly flat and everything looks the same. It's the mountains and the valleys that are thrilling, although not easy at all.
I say, bring it all on - I look forward to continuing the journey of me.

No one knows why

Nothing dampens the mood like a death in the family.

We came to Ireland yesterday, for my Grandmother's 80th Birthday Party. Amid the snow and ice-like conditions on the road most half of the family haven't been able to make it to Dublin for the party which has now been cancelled. We only came really because we already had the tickets and Mum wasn't wasting all that money.

So Dad went round to Nine's (my grandmother's) this morning to see her and he phoned us at my auntie's place to tell us that Uncle Dick had died in the night. Don't get me wrong, I'm sorry for the loss, but I didn't know the man.

I feel worst for Nine, she doesn't have anyone from her generation left in the family. She's lost all her siblings now and her husband. It was alright when she had someone around, it was like a sort of cameraderie between them. The sad thing is she'll probably give up now.

I say I didn't know Uncle Dick (he was my Dad's uncle), but I do know that his name wasn't Richard. Although for years everybody thought it was. His daughter even named her son Richard after her father.

His name was Kevin, no one knows why we called him Dick.

Only God Knows

There's been several things happening this week, they have somehow all made me come to the same conclusion even though some of them have almost 0 relation to the conclusion.

1- My parents (and bosses) have gone away for a week to Barbados leaving me at home with D and L. I sturggle to get on with both of them at the best of times to be honest and so 1 day in I already miss Mum and Dad, especially Mum who really is my best friend.

2- I realised exactly how much I hate my job when I got an email from a client detailing exactly everything I'd done wrong on a particular task (tiny one at that) and telling me that I needed to correct it and he would be calling me to discuss.

3- I've been listening to alot of country music at the moment and have a couple of new fave songs: Already Gone by sugarland, Home is where the heart is by Lady Antebellum, I Run To You by Lady Antebellum and Swan Dive by Sister Hazel.

4- I got an email yesterday from my best friend, telling me several things about his plans to buy a car and the situation where he works, but also in less than one sentance making me miss him more than I have since, well, ever.

5- Things aren't good in the Orphanage in Burundi. One of the kids is in hospital in Bujumbura, the director of the orphanage is in hospital in Gitega, 2 more kids are sick at home and the generator is broken.

It just all came together to make me miss being in Burundi so much. I know that if I was there I could help out in the orphanage so much more. Keeping the kids occupied while their mothers prepare dinner in the dark. Helping cook during the day so the mothers could take it in turns to bring food to the hospital, taking care of sick children. Helping my friend with his work, as he is drafted in to do the driving in place of the director.

I have to remember that I am here in the UK for a reason, and try desperately to figure out the big purpose of me being here. I know I have plans for the time I am here, but I can't help but feel there is something more for me in the next few years.
Fundraising?
Networking?
Spiritual Training?
Only God knows at the moment, but I wish he would tell me!

What a day?

There's an advert on E4 at the moment, for a new series of some american comedy or other, but it asks the question 'If you could go back to any day, which one would you chose?'

Well, which one would you chose?

For me I'll be honest I'm not sure. There are a couple I would consider.

• the first is purely self gratifying - it was this year, the day after a good friend's birthday and we were travelling from Bujumbura to the orphanage together after an enjoyable weekend off (in seperate places). We were on the slowest bus I've ever been on and to top things off it broke down en route. So we were on a journey that should take about 2 hours and ours took almost 5 hours. I was late for teaching in the afternoon and managed to eat a couple of pieces of sweet potato before running down the hill to make up a class as I went along (thank God for action songs!). In the evening I hung out again with the same friend who I travelled with during the day, I gave him the presents I'd made as birthday gifts. We had some amazing conversations that day, some life changing moments, and some I relive all over again almost every day. I miss that guy, more than anyone I met out there I miss him and I would do almost anything to see and talk to him again. To have a day like that again.

• the others are various different days that I wish had turned out differently. I would like to go back and relive them to see if I could make them turn out differently.
  

Which one is better? reliving the disastous, but still practically perfect day, or reliving a day that turned out badly to try and improve the things I regret.

I'm still in two minds, but what about you?

Scary

I bought a new computer today and with that comes the need to also buy MS Office 2007. I'm possibly going shopping tomorrow also because I 'need' some new shoes for work. The problem is that I have identified these 'needs' and I know I won't just buy those things, but other pretty things that catch my eye or I'll invent an excuse to convince myself that I absolutely have to buy them.

I wish that I really had changed a lot while I was away. You see these people who can't even afford to send their kids to school for $6 a month and they're sitting by the side of the road selling beans while their infant children are fetching water from the water spring down the hill and gathering edible leaves for dinner. And yet, I come home and less than 3 months later I'm buying £450 laptops and clothes I don't really need. If the roles were reversed, would they do the same? Or even scarier, would I even be able to survive?